(Rita)
This morning the headline on my browser stated that a baby boom will likely happen at the end of May, 2012, as a result of hurricane Irene.? It made me think about the role of sex in relationships.? The obvious one and the one that often gets attention is procreation, but our culture so often looks at pleasure as the primary role.? Just look at the topics on magazines as you check out at many stores or the topics that pop up on the computer. ?I think that somewhere in the middle of those two lies the other aspects of sexuality? the spiritual, emotional and psychological dimensions.
We have known from early in our marriage the importance of our sexual relationship.? Having made the decision to remain chaste as we dated, we talked about what we thought it would be like to have sex.? We talked about the children we wanted to have.? As the years passed, we began to understand the significance of the unitive aspect of sex.? When I was teaching sexuality, I told my students that sex was a wedding gift we received from God and it is the only gift after all the years that has not worn out.? It is also our little secret.? While it is obvious to others by the children we have that sex is part of our life, its real meaning is a secret because the full dimension of our sexual relationship is known only to us.? It is important and binds us together.? It puts reality to the words from Genesis ?the two shall leave their father and mother, cling together and become two in one flesh.?? Further in Genesis it says that ?they were naked and felt no shame.?? I think the writers of scripture were talking about intimacy without exactly using the word.?? The nakedness is intimacy beyond the physical.? True intimacy involves every aspect of who we are.? Discovering who we are through our sexuality is a lifetime journey.? That?s why it is so important to think about the dimensions of sex beyond the pleasure and having children.
Conceiving children doesn?t require any intimacy at all it just requires two bodies.? I?m sure we all know couples who conceived a child in a one night stand.? Sex only for pleasure often leaves those involved feeling empty.? I certainly saw and heard this from my adolescent students and others with whom we have had discussions.? Read any advice column in the newspaper or online to see this.? So the question is:? what beyond conception and pleasure do we think God wanted for us when He gave us the sacred gift of sex and sexuality. ?I think it is necessary to first see sex as sacred and a gift from God.? How we perceive it will change if we do..? Then we can begin to think about what sex is and should be in our relationship.? The following are not in any particular order of importance but my thoughts about the gift I/we have been given.
Sex, at times, is just fun.? It can involve humor and experiencing the old saying of ?a romp in the hay.?? We laugh about the fact that someone one once told us we should buy satin sheets ? they would add to the joy of sex.? We did and found it difficult not to slide out of bed. We still find humor in the time made love in a ninety degree bedroom and found ourselves sticking together.? We know couples who have talked about the fun places they have made love.? Some involved adventure and others misadventure.
Relief of tension, either from some issue within the relationship or from outside, such as jobs, children, financial issues, or even hurricanes is another aspect of sex.? I think that takes us back to being naked and feeling no shame.? Engaging in sex during times of great tension requires us to be naked with our spouse by surrendering to the other all that is keeping us stressed.? It is a wonderful way to put all areas of our lives into a new perspective because the most important thing we have is each other.
Sex is a way to celebrate all the moments of God?s presence in our lives.? That is why sex is an integral part of the sacrament of marriage.? What better way to enhance special moments than to share all of who we are with the other.? We joke about being blessed with so many times in our life to celebrate.? It reminds me of the commercial on TV when the children leave home. The couple is asked what they are going to do now and their response is: ??We are going to Disney!?? Perhaps we should proclaim to the world that we are going to make love to each other.? After all, sex is sacred and holy!
Healing hurts is also a wonderful way that sex brings unity to us.? The hurts might be in our relationship or they might come from without but it is the tenderness and intimacy of our touching and sexual expressions that helps us to heal.? The hurts might be emotional, such as a loss of a job or someone we love; physical, such as an illness or psychological, the result of verbal abuse by a friend, demands of a job or events from our past.? Giving and receiving in our sexual relationship gives us resources to become whole again.? It is that oneness of flesh which God wants for us.
Lastly, our sexual relationship should help us get to know God in a fuller way.? It is in the acceptance of ourselves with our strengths and weaknesses, giving and receiving and letting go of self for the other in sex that helps us understand and experience God in a way that little else can.? I think it puts a new spin on our sexual relationship when I think of it as God?s gift to me/us and an important way for us as a married couple to experience God in our relationship.
(Bob)
Officially, the Catholic teaching on sex is that it has two purposes ? procreation (especially in its physical aspects) and promoting unity between the spouses.? It reflects a great understanding of the dual purpose of sex in marriage.? The writings of the Church seem to lean toward discussing the procreative and often appear to be uncomfortable with the unitive.? In recent years there has been some attempt to go beyond just the procreative based on the writings of Pope John Paul II and referred to as Theology of the Body.? The best-known author on the subject is Christopher West.? We were excited about the possibility that we could look at our bodies and discover the place of our sexuality in the whole. We were disappointed that it was very focused on sexual intercourse and about what physical activities are morally permissible during sex. It seemed to be strongly concerned about the male. We know that it has been helpful and freeing for many couples, but we think it misses a more important point.
In his book, Holy Sex!, based on the Theology of the Body, Dr. Gregory Popcak promises ?Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving?, which, after reading, suggests a focus on pleasure and big orgasms. ?As Rita said, this is the focus of the culture of sex-for-pleasure and also misses the most important point of most of the sexual activity of a couple committed to loving each other for a lifetime.
In our experience, each of the activities Rita describes promotes unity.? While freedom to engage in more activities and to find pleasure in sexual activity, as well as the undeniable pleasure of orgasm, are important in promoting unity, too much focus on them threatens a loss of the more important goal.? In the mutual self-giving of lovemaking each of us can experience loving another and being loved in a way that can give us a glimpse of God?s love for us.? With this focus on just loving each other, sexual activity takes away the emphasis on reaching a powerful orgasm, although that may occur, and allows the activity to focus on the moment, rather than the end result.? Unity can be built, even though one or both of us may not even reach orgasm.? It has been suggested that we are closest to God during orgasm, but that is not my experience.? For me, my experience of God in that moment is in being aware of how much Rita loves me.
When we began to see our sexual activity as a way of loving each other and finding God, we discovered those goals can be reached in many ways.? Sometimes activity leads to orgasm and often it does not.? We can lie in bed together and just snuggle for a few minutes.?? We can maintain physical contact throughout the day, even intimate contact when nobody is looking.? Sometimes these activities can lead to a full sexual experience and it is wonderful when they do, but it is significant that sex is not the ultimate goal of all touching.
Although we cannot imagine our marriage without children or our sexual relationship not being open to children, we also cannot imagine our sexual relationship without the unity it has helped us to maintain throughout our life together.? The unity helped and helps us to be better parents and grandparents as well as better teachers and friends and all areas of our lives.
What do you think?? Please comment below.
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Source: http://thewonderofmarriage.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/sex-why/
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