Thoughts on new relationships post D - Talk About Marriage

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

Today, 04:23 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 45	OK I know that this is really premature as I am not even D yet (and hope not to be but suppose I will), and I know even the thought is not productive, but, as I have been thinking about it, I just want to get it off my chest and share and maybe hear some views. OK so firstly I am 44 and have two children (3 and 6). Now in thinking about another relationship, down the line, it seems that there would be the following options: 1) A woman who is also divorced but has kids and does not want any more 2) A woman who is single but does not want kids 3) A woman who is single and wants kids I might add that the age bracket I would look at is 30-35, maybe up to 40 (for various reasons). Now, basically, my current thinking is that I have two kids, and while I like kids, I would not like to start the cycle all again. I feel the time now is for me to be there for *myself* as well as my kids. But, that seems to exclude a lot of potential females who would be in my target age category but, if single, would probably want kids of their own. It seems irresponsible to become interested in someone of that category, and even fall in love, only to come up against this issue which is deal breaker. On the other hand, limiting one self to women who already have children, puts things in another perspective and category all together. Creating a new family with a new mate is one thing, while "inheriting/combining" a family with a new mate is another. Also by the way, having kids with another mate, effectively closes the window on R down the line, if that is what you are after.... Anyway, as I started out with, I know these are not thoughts that I should be troubling myself with at this time, but they are there anyway so I thought I would share them. I suppose in the end life will decide, i.e. if you just let life to happen. But at the same time, at least in my view, there is at least something to be said in favor of some advance consideration/thinking/planning. Your thoughts?
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Today, 05:44 AM	? #3 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 45	Quote: So...what exactly are you asking here? Not really sure Quote: If you don't want to have anymore biological children, then don't. Be honest about that from the beginning. Yes, I suppose once a relationship gets/looks serious, that should be stated (but I suppose for many women who are without kids and who's biological clock is about to explode that would be a deal breaker. Quote: If you don't want a blended family at your age, well...maybe plan on being single for the rest of your life. No, not planning on being single for the rest of my life... But the context/construct of the next relationship does come ti mind. Quote: Blended families can work. They make take some adjustment, but don't write off someone with children. You wouldn't want a woman to write you off because of your children, would you? True
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Today, 09:06 AM	? #8 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 45	Quote: My personal thoughts are you should focus on #1 the divorced woman who has kids but doesn't want anymore. Basically what I am thinking, but, and I am ashamed to say this, I would want someone who is young enough to support my desire and self image (I look much younger and feel younger also). Quote: #2 - there is reason she doesn't want kids. Yes, all things being equal, have considered this also. Quote: #3 - Do you really want to start a new family at age 44? Basically no, I would not. But I suppose never say never, right? What if you meet the woman of your dreams?
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Today, 09:26 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 45	Firstly, sorry your second relationship didn't work out either! (if you would allow me to say as much without knowing anything). Quote: That being said, put a lot of thought into what *you*want. I suppose this is obvious but so very true. Again I would just go back to the practical aspect which is, if you find someone nice, date her, but make it clear that you don't plan on any children (or actually, don't date her if you don't want to end up with a dilemma in the first place). And second thought, if you feel she is serious and you don't feel the same way (about kids that is), I think the amicable thing to do would be to let her go and seek a proper mate who has the same wishes. Well who knows, easy to say, but who knows what life may through your way! Anyway, and I digress, it is clear to me now that I am NOT in the position to date and have to take a lot of time out to be with me, my process and my thoughts (which does not mean I should not socialize, I want to, just not give anyone an illusion that something is what it is not. And by the way, no, I don't want sec for now thank you very much... ha ha).
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Today, 09:35 AM	? #12 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: South Posts: 1,806	Quote: Basically what I am thinking, but, and I am ashamed to say this, I would want someone who is young enough to support my desire and self image (I look much younger and feel younger also). If I ever dated again I'd likely go for someone in their late 30's even though I'm 46. I look younger than I am, am in great shape and all my friends are 31-40 now. Quote: Basically no, I would not. But I suppose never say never, right? What if you meet the woman of your dreams? I'm female but still I do NOT want anymore kids. Lets assume that I were physically capable of getting pregnant would I do it for the man of my dreams? NOT no but hell no. LOL I'm not doing diapers, middle of the night feedings, potty training again. I just got all 3 of mine in school - my youngest is 6 so no way would I start over at this age.
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