Heston's new ready meals: hit or miss? | Life and style | guardian.co.uk

Heston from Waitrose ready meals.

Ah Heston, Heston, Heston. ?bermensch of the gastronomic zeitgeist that you are, it's hard to write anything food-related without mentioning your name. And now here I am with your new range of ready meals before me, wondering what sort of pine-infused trickery you've come up with this time.

Yet not withstanding the sprinkle of black truffle here, the umber hillock of chilli butter there, these meals seem peculiarly safe and, well, dull. Have you lost your spark, or is this your one-nation moment?

Because if it's the latter, that nation appears to be stuck in 1970. For a man that gave us tea that is simultaneously hot and cold, mustard ice cream, and a burger that takes longer to make than a return trip to Australia, your fish pie, shepherd's pie, mac and cheese and lasagne are all something of a backward step.

But I underestimate you, of course I do. For it's never just lasagne where you're concerned. Even now, as I survey the sleek black packaging I know that inside is so much more than a lasagne. You promise it's "even better than mama used to make." Well it's not, but it's fine. It is indeed rich and the pasta is well-textured, and despite the abiding sense of glueyness I return for another forkful. Chilli con carne is deliciously smoky and has a good level of spice and richness ? nudged along by the flavoured butter, though the mince is a little granular.

Onto the shepherd's pie, a dish that I've long believed stands or falls on the quality of its mash, and I'm sure you agree. You've spent many hours getting your mash right, analysing water content and starch levels of various potato varieties in order to achieve the smoothest results. This mash is smooth all right ? it would do a plasterer well. It also remains oddly straight-faced during its half hour in the oven, unwilling to adopt the golden crust one yearns for. The filling is terrific ? a combination of braised lamb shank and mince with a good depth of flavour. But it's lipstick on a pig of a potato dish. Same with the fish pie. There's a lively mustard-tarragon thing going on and the fish has retained its texture - but again, it's let down by the mash.

"Great mash depends on the right potato," you tell us on the packaging for your mashed potato for two. No doubt it does, but it doesn't lie within. Without the redeeming fillings of the other mash abominations, the faults are unforgivable. Texture, flavour, smell and appearance all score nul points. A belly flop.

The diamond in the rough is the mac and cheese. There's a magnificent tang of proper mature cheddar, a lovely crunchy crumb on top, and the inspired addition of al dente cauliflower ? it's two of the finest comfort dishes rolled into one. Then I'm reminded that it's meant to have truffle in it, which it doesn't seem to and doesn't really need anyway. Truffle is a cheffy shortcut for improving a dull dish. Stick it in your spuds instead.

There's nothing here that's entirely without merit, but we've come to expect more of you, Heston. Where's the twist of genius, the sleight of hand, the derring-do? Most importantly, what happened to the "painstaking lengths" to which you'll go to perfect every dish? Frankly, it's all a bit slack.

Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2012/oct/12/hestons-ready-meals-hit-miss

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